I’m Laura, wife to Rob and mom to Arlo. (And dog mom to our black labs, Manny and Ford.) Our journey to becoming parents was not an easy one. We began trying to expand our family in April of 2014, but we were very unsuccessful. After 17 months of trying, we were diagnosed with male factor infertility. We decided to go ahead with IVF w/ ICSI and it went incredibly smooth until it came to fertilization. Out of 19 eggs only 14 were mature and only 5 fertilized. We transferred 2 day 3 embryos and froze 2 embryos on day 6. Our first transfer ended with a negative pregnancy test and our second transfer ended in a very early miscarriage. I did not want to go through the IVF process again because of how emotionally draining it was. Besides not wanting to go through IVF again, we also felt a draw towards embryo adoption because of our faith. We matched very quickly with awesome donors via Instagram! (@the_infertilizers if you want to check me out.) We encountered several problems along the way, but persevered through them one by one. In November of 2016 we flew from Ohio to Arizona to transfer 2 more embryos. We found out the day after Thanksgiving we were pregnant. We had our baby boy on August 6, 2017.

What led us to pursue embryo adoption?  At our “WTF appointment” following our 2 failed transfers, we learned that in addition to male factor infertility we likely had egg quality issues too. We were told then that several of my eggs were “degenerate” or dying. That news coupled with the stress that came with poor fertilization reports I could not do IVF again at that time.

As Christians, we believe life begins at conception. Going in to a round of IVF my biggest fear was what we would do with embryos we couldn’t use. Through research I found embryo adoption. While we once planned to donate our “extra” embryos, I began to feel called to adopt someone else’s embryos and thankfully my husband did too. I knew I could give someone the piece of mind that their embabies would be raised in a loving, Christian home. I prayed that God would have the perfect people contact me about donating, and believe it or not, our donors contacted us just days later on Instagram.

How did I cope with infertility?  I never had a huge struggle with being infertile, I was simply ok with it. I think the reason I could accept it was because of my faith. I did rely heavily on scripture, especially promises God gave, and worship music. I am a huge fan of Elevation Worship and so many of their songs gave me hope and encouragement during that season of my life.

What was the hardest part of the journey?  After I was pregnant I really struggled with accepting the loss of my own fertility. I had thought that I was fine with it but doubt creeped in. I think the biggest factor was close to a year had passed since we had started the IVF process and my memory of how much I hated it had faded. When I miscarried our last two embryos we were going through some other trials that also required grieving and I don’t think I grieved the loss of our last 2 embryos either. Now that I’m on the other side I can see that Arlo was meant for us and most of the time I forget that he’s adopted! I think of the verse Ephesians 3:20 often, which says, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine…” I could have never imagined how my story would unfold, but God knew.

Did you choose open/closed adoption?  We have an open relationship with our donor family. Our donor mom has become one of my best friends and we text almost daily. I send her lots of pictures of Arlo and keep her updated weekly if not daily.

The most valuable piece of advice I could share is consider embryo adoption/donation. If you are thinking about donating embryos it’s the best gift you could ever give. 

You can read more infertility stories or connect with others here.  You can connect with me (Brianna) at AdventuresofaTwinMom@gmail.com or on Instagram.

Tell us a little bit about you and your infertility journey: I was a mother to four beautiful children when I met my husband, Phillip. A few years before meeting the man that I would marry, I suffered from very large, painful uterine fibroids and elected to have a partial hysterectomy to rid myself of the pain. Not for one moment did I believe I would have any more children nor did I have a desire for anymore. Fast forward to the year that I met my husband. I explained that I did not want anymore children, as well as not being able to have anymore and he explained that he had always dreamed of having a child. At this point, I thought since the baby shop was closed, so our chance at life together. However, Phillip did not give up on us and remained faith filled that he would have a child and it would be with me. At the two year mark the baby talk began to happen. We met with several reproductive doctors and in a matter of fact tone, I was told that I was not a spring chicken and I needed to make a decision quickly about freezing my eggs and whether surrogacy was the route we would take on my husband’s journey to fatherhood. In short, when exploring our options and our finances, surrogacy did not seem possible. I never once dreamed that infertility would affect me. Growing up in the African American community there was no one speaking about infertility and definitely not secondary infertility. I felt so useless and empty, afraid of what others would say and lonely, confused and selfish.

After several conversations, my oldest daughter volunteered to be our surrogate. She refused to take any money from us and in our surrogacy contract you would find the allowance on everything is $10 because we had to put something. When I asked my daughter why she did it, her reply was that she sees how Phillip treats me, came in to our large family seamlessly and lovingly and that a man such as him deserves to have someone screaming daddy upon arriving home from work. We were blessed with an Altruistic Surrogacy Journey.

What led you to the decision of the route you are pursuing or pursued? The decision making factor was that my oldest daughter volunteered to be our surrogate with no expectations of anything in return.

What things helped you cope with infertility? Journaling, prayer and my daughter standing strong in her faith and belief that one of God’s purpose for her life was being fulfilled.

Infertility can often be very expensive, what have you done to help alleviate the costs? We exhausted our 401K accounts, was blessed with an altruistic surrogacy which saved us approx. $40K and had very supportive family give us money.

Are you going to share your infertility journey with your children? I have shared some parts of my journey with my children. Once our son gets older, we will share some of the journey with him, but not all.

What would you like couples or women who don’t struggle with infertility to know about infertility? That God says, yes, not right now and no. Having as much information around infertility, available options and a strong support group will help tremendously regardless of the answer. If the answer is no, one must remember that God still loves them and that it is written in the Bible that there will come a day when barren wombs are BLESSED!!!

What is/was the hardest part of this journey for you? Coming from a community where infertility was not talked about as if it was unheard of which left me alone in my journey.

In what ways has infertility changed you and affected your life? Infertility has changed my life in good ways and not so good ways. Infertility brought about awareness of infertility in both men and women as well as across all cultures. It has made me appreciate my children so much more ( didn’t think that was possible :)) and how God blessed me beyond imaginable. It has kicked my faith in to high gear. It caused me to launch a business that supports surrogates and intended parents. Sadly, it etched a scar in my heart that still today torments my mind because I am afraid that my son wont love me the same because I did not carry him and that I finally found the man that God sent to me and I wasn’t able to fulfill the one dream that he had. Sad, but okay because one smile from our son erases it all.

What is the most valuable piece of advice you’d like to share with our readers? Research, pray, research, pray, find a support group/person that understands the journey, pray and pray some more. Do not rush in to anything. Take the time to learn everything from the root cause of the infertility to the treatments/options available to how to choose the best medical practices to how to deal with the emotional and physical aspects of it. Most of all, never stop loving on your significant other because it is hard on all involved.

Want to contact CheRhonda?  https://www.instagram.com/bigheartlittlebeat/, https://www.bigheartlittlebeat.com/, c.bowers@bigheartlittlebeat.com

You can read more infertility stories or connect with others here.  You can connect with me (Brianna) at AdventuresofaTwinMom@gmail.com or on Instagram.