My name is Andrea and this is the brief story of my husband, Bryce, and my infertility journey. I’ll start at the end of our infertility story – our journey has brought us to a new beginning and we are currently at home bonding with our 10 week old twin boys!

Of course, we never thought it would take us over two years to get here. We never once thought we would have to pursue fertility treatments – I mean my entire life I’d been told that unprotected sex would lead to pregnancy. Always. Well, didn’t we learn differently?

I met my husband a little later in life than some, I was 33 and he was 41 but in the end it was perfect timing. We had an amazing courtship and once we were engaged we knew we wanted to start a family. We started trying and in those first few months we actually got pregnant fairly quickly, unfortunately staying pregnant was another matter. In that first year we suffered a chemical pregnancy (I didn’t even know what this was until I joined the community of couples trying to conceive) and a devastating miscarriage. But because they both happened so quickly after we had started trying I thought it was just a matter of time. After the miscarriage each month passed with no luck. People kept telling me to take a vacation and stop stressing about it and I would get pregnant, the thing was – I wasn’t stressed – I thought I would get pregnant easily.  As we began approaching my 36th birthday and moving into our second year of trying time began to feel like my enemy. I finally asked my husband if we could get some fertility tests done. I just wanted to know.

The Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine was recommended to us by a friend who is an OBGYN. In that first consultation, we were overwhelmed with information! Looking back, we were so naive about fertility treatments! We, at the time, knew only two couples who had been through fertility treatments. This is all the more reason that I feel I should share my story – I felt alone and clueless, and there is no reason for anyone to feel that way.

Once we got our tests back there were issues on both sides he had sperm antibodies and I was on the cusp of normal for my age regarding egg quality and quantity. They presented us with our options for either IUI or IVF. Based on my age and the fact that we wanted at least 2 children we knew IVF was our best option. I didn’t want to waste any more time and I wanted our best option for success, for us that meant bypassing the less invasive and less expensive IUI and going straight into IVF treatment. And so, the tidal wave that is IVF swept us away!

If I could tell my past self anything it would be a caution about how much time and energy that IVF takes. To be clear, it was 100% worth it, but I had no idea the time it would take and just how incredibly unpredictable the process is. With sometimes daily lab tests, ultrasounds, Dr. meetings, and ordering and picking up medications it all took so much time, it often times felt as if my life revolved around my infertility and in many ways, it did.

We chose to be open about our journey right away, we sent messages to our friends and family simply asking for their support and loving thoughts. We were showered in love and support. I think because of this we were faced with very few people who shared negative thoughts about our journey, now that doesn’t mean they didn’t have them, they just didn’t share them LOL! We did get curious questions and we were more than happy to talk with people about the journey. I feel like this choice helps increase people’s understanding about infertility and brought us closer to our friends and family. We plan on continuing this openness with our children, in fact on our family picture wall is the 6 day embryo photo of our sons on the day of their transfer!

The process is an emotional rollercoaster – there is so much hope but there are also setbacks that feel devastating. For us it meant going through not one, not two, but three egg retrievals, finding out that only 3 of our 21 eggs made it to blastocyst stage, then finding out that given one more day 8 more made it to day 6! (Our sons are both day 6 embryos.) All along the ride our family and friends were there, my husband was an incredible source of support and comfort but the process was emotionally grueling. There are few who can understand what you are going through, starting my Instagram account (@becoming_amama) and joining the TTC (Trying To Conceive) community were some of my best decisions. I have met and connected with women all over the country, and beyond, who share my journey and this struggle.

Infertility has changed me and my husband in so many ways. We have become closer as a result of finding our way through this and working through the ways infertility has permeated our relationship. I believe that it has changed how we are as parents as well. We were always going to love our children but all that we struggled through to bring them into our lives makes loving them just that much sweeter.

No matter where you are on your journey I hope you know that you are not alone. I am still active on Instagram sharing my experiences with our little men and cheering on my sisters in infertility – do not hesitate to reach out!

You can contact Andrea on Instagram @becoming_amama

You can read more infertility stories or connect with others here.  You can connect with me (Brianna) at AdventuresofaTwinMom@gmail.com or on Instagram.

Tell us a little bit about you and your infertility journey:

If you Google the top causes of infertility then you will find our biography. I cannot even answer the simple and common question of “How long did you try for?” because technically you need to ovulate to “Try” and that is something my body simply doesn’t do. All I know is that we were ready to grow our family through adoption or by having children, but we faced closed door after closed door for over two years. Before finding out anything was wrong, we started the process to adopt through foster care. While undergoing foster care training, I decided I would figure out what was going on with my body because I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. I am a data nerd; I thought I could “fix myself” and tried every trick in the book including natural remedies and non-sexy post intercourse routines. I continued to push off making an appointment with a specialist despite the recommendation of my doctor. One day, I received a phone call that alerted me that our plans to adopt would have to be postponed. This was yet another door painfully slammed in my face. I then returned to my OB with stacks of graphs I used to track my body temps, weird cycles, and the ONE time I had possibly ovulated over the course of a year. My sweet doctor saw my internal struggle with pride, and proceeded to make an appointment for me with a specialist. Hesitant and afraid, I complied and started undergoing testing. The results were devastating: PCOS, blocked tubes, Endometriosis, and MFI. We felt like the doors had been closed on both growing our family biologically and through adoption. We couldn’t get on board with our foster care case worker, nor could we afford IVF, and refused to take out a loan. Thankfully, Jesus is never concerned with closed doors and He made a way where there wasn’t one. Insurance agreed to help pay for ONE single round of IVF. If it failed, that was it for us.This was our one chance, our only shot, and the stakes were so incredibly high. Glory be to God, our story wasn’t over…You can read more of our story on my blog thegracehaven.com

Do you think your infertility journey is going to or has shaped the way you parent? Infertility was and is our saving grace as parents. There is just something about knowing the pain of empty arms and silent rooms that changes you and changes the way you parent. The sleepless nights from round the clock feedings or upset tummies are nothing compared to crying yourself to sleep at night wondering if you will ever be a Mom. The tantrums that exhaust you mentally and physically do not seem so challenging the moment you step into the room where you used to give yourself your hormone injections every night. Infertility has filled us with complete gratitude as parents. We know that our two beautiful daughters are literally heaven sent, and that we had no part in bringing them earth-side. Infertility has also brought us into a community of some of the strongest people I have ever met, and it is an honor to continue praying them through their wait, or celebrate with them through their triumphs.

What is/was the hardest part of this journey for you?  Honestly and shockingly, the hardest part of our journey was not dealing with infertility. We never in our wildest dreams thought we would experience a chapter that was harder than the years of waiting, testing and finding out we couldn’t get pregnant, undergoing several surgeries and hundreds of injections, or being hospitalized for OHSS and needing my stomach drained. In no way do I ever want to minimize the absolute hell that infertility is, because sister I GET IT and I HEAR YOU! Our journey was just different. For us, the most difficult part was the premature birth of our twin daughters and watching them go through various trials as a result. Infertility made me feel broken, but going into labor two months early made me feel like I failed as a Mom. I wasn’t able to protect them from the world of pain that they faced in their 9 week NICU stay, or the pain from their GI issues they still face 7 months later. I went to the doctor one morning because I just felt kind of funny, and within an hour, I was life-flighted to a hospital over an hour away from where we lived because we needed a higher level NICU. I managed to stay in active labor for one more week (yes, I do mean that I had contractions every 3-5 minutes for an entire week) thanks to magnesium and Terbutaline before our Lani and Libby were born. Lani went to a level II NICU, and Libby was rushed to a level III NICU where I could not even touch her for the next 48 hours. I went from feeling my girls every move inside my tummy to having my daughters over an hour from home and at opposite ends of the hospital. Libby’s lungs kept closing up, so they had to increase her method of oxygen support and clean out her lungs frequently. After recovering from that scary hurdle, Libby was moved to level II with Lani where we thought “The worst was over” and we could finally experience being a family of four. 3 days later, I got a call at 1:30am, telling me that something was wrong with Libby, and that I needed to consent to them giving her a spinal tap immediately. I cannot even talk about or write about the details of the 48 hours following that phone call without sobbing. I can recall every detail of the room we were in, the sounds of the monitors going off, the doctor’s face when he delivered more bad news followed by more bad news, and the feeling of my heart beating in my throat. All we knew is that Libby had a severe infection and Lani, who was held next to her the day before the infection appeared, was also in imminent danger of falling ill. The situation became dire because they could not get medication into Libby fast enough, while the infection had clearly gotten into her blood stream and possibly her brain stem. We did not leave the hospital or sleep for over 36 hours. There is something that changes you forever as a parent when you almost lose your child/children. My husband and I laid in the hospital bed that night, wondering if we would still be parents the next day. We were only held together by our strong faith in the Lord’s plan and the fervent prayers of so many loved ones! I would endure IVF, all of my complications, and my week long labor a thousand times over if I could have prevented what my daughters faced. Glory to God, our Lani and Libby survived, and they are the strongest most fierce warriors I have ever met! They overcame sickness, learning how to breath, and learning how to stay warm. They also overcame learning how to eat, despite painful acid reflux and esophagus damage. I thought the pain I endured to get pregnant would be our biggest hurdle, but God had a different plans. Rather, I had the honor of giving birth to my own heroes.

Did you choose open or closed embryo donation, adoption, or sperm/egg donor? Why? This is a very sensitive topic so before I answer please know that 1) This is something that you are asked to think about in the absolute worst of circumstances. You just want to become a parent, and you are willing to do whatever it takes to get there. 2)That being said, I know several people who have regretted how they proceeded with this part of fertility treatments, and I need them to know that they deserve SO much grace and love. As if fertility treatments didn’t suck already, decisions on what to do with the results of those treatments is incredibly difficult. 3) I honestly do not think there is a universal way that fits everybody’s situation or needs, but I do believe that more voices need to join this difficult discussion so that people can hear about other people’s struggles and triumphs and make better informed decisions as they proceed.

Our approach was not a conventional way of doing IVF, but I am very grateful with the end result. We sought council from the beginning and determined that we would not be comfortable with having extra embryos after our cycle. I say that we are grateful because I over-stimulated during IVF and ended up with 30 eggs and a painful hospital stay. That would have meant around 18 or more extra embryos. Before our cycle even began, we decided we would only fertilize 3 eggs and leave the rest unfertilized. We would then take however many of the 3 that made it to the blastocyst stage and transfer them. We found it incredibly helpful to make this decisions before starting hormone injections and after seeking council from people who were not afraid to ask us questions that got us thinking beyond our immediate desire of wanting kids. We believe that life begins at conception and we are thankful that we got to honor our beliefs during this process. We ended up with a triplet pregnancy, but I unfortunately miscarried Charlie at 10 weeks.

I can honestly say the discussion of what to do with our extra eggs was far less painful for us than if those eggs had been turned into embryos. I had an incredibly difficult and risky pregnancy, so it would be unwise for me to get pregnant again. I am grateful to have the space to grieve over this fact without the added pain of deciding what to do with precious embryos. Again, I recognize that our approach is not conventional and doesn’t work for everyone. I just wanted to share our outcome in case it helps anyone else in a similar situation or at least keeps the discussion going on this topic. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have questions!

What would you like couples or women who don’t struggle with infertility to know about infertility?

That it doesn’t “just happen” for 1 out of 8 of us. We don’t get to have a glass of wine and a carefree adventurous night and suddenly BAM!… we are pregnant! It is hard to not feel like something is inherently wrong with us just because something is clearly wrong with our body. Please practice mindfulness and listen more than you advise. I do not need to know how easy it was for you, or hear your plans on how you are going to time your pregnancy “just so,” because it has never been an issue for you to get pregnant. I also do not need to hear how your cousin’s hairdresser got pregnant after going gluten free and taking up yoga, or other trivial happenstance methods. I do not need to “just relax” for things to work out. I also need you to know that just because we had a successful IVF cycle does not mean infertility isn’t still a part of who I am. I cannot get pregnant again and that is still a loss I need to grieve. I do not need you to help “fix me.” I just need you to love me.

What is the most valuable piece of advice you’d like to share with our readers?  Closed doors are a set back, but they are not the end of your journey. You are  walking through fire and will have so much strength because of it. You can skip the parenting classes or books if you want, because you will learn far more important lessons when you are fighting with all of your strength just to become parents.  You are not broken, you are a freakin’ warrior!

Contact Info:

Instagram: @thegracehaven

Website: Thegracehaven.com

Facebook:Thegracehaven

You can read more infertility stories or connect with others here.  You can connect with me (Brianna) at AdventuresofaTwinMom@gmail.com or on Instagram.

My name is Hillary Alread.  I have been married to my wonderful husband for the last 6 ½ years.  Growing up, my period was never regular. For this reason, I always thought that getting pregnant was going to be difficult.  I also always remember always wanted to be a mom.  I didn’t really know what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I knew I wanted to be a mom.

About a year into the marriage, my husband and I started talking about starting a family.  I stopped taking birth control and we waited.  A few months after stopping the pill, I still hadn’t started my period.  Not totally out of the ordinary for me, but definitely worth getting it checked.  After the doctor ran some tests, she noticed that my hormones were way off and that I needed to go to an Endocrinologist.  I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism at 14, so I figured it had to do with that.  The first doctor I saw was, to put it nicely, a total jerk.  Without running any of his own tests, he told me my ovaries could be dead.  THIS WAS NOT OKAY! Why he said that to me, I will never know, but needless to say, I moved on to the next doctor. This one was much kinder, but I don’t think really looked at the whole picture.  She fixed the thyroid issue and we moved on.

About 6 months after that, my husband and I moved back to New Orleans.  He is a Georgia boy from birth but was more than happy to move to Louisiana.  When I went to the gynecologist, she too noticed that my levels were off and that if I ever wanted to get pregnant I would HAVE to go to a fertility doctor.  She gave me the name of one and we made the decision to call.  When we walked into our fertility doctor’s office we were scared, nervous, worried, and had so many more emotions flying around in our heads.  After talking for a bit, our doctor decided that because I was under the age of 30 she wanted to run some genetic tests.  Pretty simple on my part, just have some blood taken and wait.  However, we all know that the waiting is the worst part!  About a week went by before we went back to the doctor.  In reality, that wasn’t that long, but it felt like an eternity!  With a melancholy look on her face, she told us that I had Mosaic Turner’s and the only way I would be able to have children would be through egg donation.  I was crushed.  My husband was crushed.  At 27 and 25 we found out that we could never have children without help.  I have to say here that my husband is a rock star!  There is no way I could have gotten through it all without him by my side with his patience, grace, love, and devotion.

I was very anxious about using a donor egg.  At first, I wholeheartedly said I didn’t want to do that.  I would have to figure something else out.  However, after some time and many conversations we decided to go for it. It was so scary!  We found a donor and started the process pretty quickly.  We had high hopes being that I was young and healthy.  My husband was positive the whole time, me, not so much! Throughout our IVF journey, I realized that while all of the shots and medicine hurt, it is so much more of a mental game.  (I will get more into that later).

The first round of IVF was a success! We were pregnant! Everything was wonderful and we were so happy. However, when we went to our appointment around 8 weeks, we never heard a heartbeat.  That was one of the worst moments of my life.  It is crazy how quickly you can go from pure joy to pure sadness. I stopped taking medicine and soon after had a miscarriage.  We decided to keep going and try again.  Unfortunately, after more shots, more hormones, and more tears, we were not pregnant.

Since we had now had two failed attempts my doctor suggested we do a biopsy to make sure everything looked good.  Basically, this would give us a few more answers and tell us exactly how many progesterone shots I would need.  In case you don’t know, when you get a biopsy on your uterus done, you have to do all of the medicine, do the biopsy and stopped taking medicine.   This is where the mental game comes into play.  The biopsy was really difficult for me.  I could justify the pain of the shots on the fact that it would allow me to have a beautiful baby.  The biopsy did not lead to that….and I did it twice!

After getting the two biopsies completed, we were ready to try again.  This is where my mental state changed.  For whatever reason, I was much calmer this time.  I knew I could handle this and I was not going to let the shots bother me. I was SHOCKED at how together I was at this time.  Well, it worked because I now have a happy, healthy 18-month-old baby boy.  Every hormone, every shot, every tear was worth it.  That is my biggest take away from my experience.  I am stronger than I think and you are stronger than you think.

Who offered you support during this process that really stood out to you? What did they do?  First, I could in no way have done this without my family.  My husband was my rock, which sounds cliché even as a type it, but it’s true.  He put up with me when I was at my worst and loved me through it all.  My mom, dad, and sister were a huge help as well. My dad isn’t a big talker.  He keeps emotions to himself a lot of the time, but I knew he was and always will be there for me.  My mom and sister were amazing, listening to me when I needed it, offering advice and love.

The other people I could not have gotten through this without are my work friends. I teach kindergarten and my team is very very close.  At the beginning of our journey, I didn’t talk much about what was going on.  I didn’t want to get weird looks from people or hear people’s comments on the choices that I was making.  I was worried I would get negative comments, honestly.  Now I realize that other people’s opinions don’t matter for a second.  Anyway, my friends at work were always there for me.  They helped me when I had to go to appointments, when I was out of bed rest, or when I needed a shoulder to cry on.  I don’t think they will ever truly know how helpful there were, and still are, to me.

Are you going to share your infertility journey with your children?  While I have not completely figured out how or when I am going to tell my son, and hopefully future children, about my fertility journey, but I do plan on it.  I think it is important to be open and honest throughout this whole process. I would never want him to find out from someone else before I had the opportunity to tell him. I would never want him to feel bad about himself or think that there is anything negative about him. Because of this, I believe it is vital to tell him about our family journey.

What is/was the hardest part of this journey for you?  There have been so many difficult moments during this. I think the most difficult part is not being able to do the one thing that all women are put on this earth to do, have children. I felt helpless. I grew up wanting nothing more than to be a mother, and I couldn’t even do that in what I deemed to be the right way. It took me a long time to get over this. In fact, sometimes those old emotions and thoughts come creeping back and I feel negative about myself. During these times I have to remind myself how unbelievably lucky l am to have been able to have to help that I did.  

What brings you hope during this journey?  What brings me hope is that I feel like this topic is being more widely discussed.  It is so important for women and men dealing with infertility to not feel ashamed or embarrassed by what they are going through.  Often times, infertility is treated as something that shouldn’t be discussed.  If it is, it should only be in the dark so to speak. I am hopeful that the tides are now turning and we will now be able to feel confident speaking about our issues. It also brings me hope that science has come so far that doctors are able to do so many miraculous things.

What is the most valuable piece of advice you’d like to share with our readers?  Like I said, in the beginning, I didn’t want to tell anyone.  I was embarrassed. I now realize that that is completely ridiculous.  For anyone out there not wanted to tell people, my advice is to do it.  You don’t have to tell everyone, but find a few people that you trust and tell me.  It will help you tremendously.  When you are feeling low and need to vent, someone will be there.  When the shots become unbearable, someone will be there. This will make your journey through fertility much easier.

You can read more infertility stories or connect with others here.  You can connect with me (Brianna) at AdventuresofaTwinMom@gmail.com or on Instagram.